A Note to My Younger Self: Part 2

Honestly, there are days I wish I could go back in time and give my younger self some advice. Last week I wrote about the advice I would give to my teenage and twenty-something self.  This week I want to focus on my thirty-something self.

To my 30-something self I would say:  

 Develop a better life rhythm. 

I lived life at a very unhealthy pace.  I had no margin.  A wise man once said to me, “You know what the problem with you young guys is?  You have no margin.  You have no space in life to deal with problems when they arise, and you have no space to embrace opportunity when it presents itself.”  If I could go back and have a chat with my younger self, I would tell myself to create a better work, rest, and play rhythm. I would spend more time enjoying the simple pleasures of life like watching it rain, sitting on the beach and reading more books, just for fun.

Focus more on your marriage than your ministry.

I was very driven in ministry.  As a Youth Pastor I was successful and saw some pretty startling results.  The youth group I led grew 350% in 4 years. That is enough to make anyone’s head get big.  I  thought I was pretty amazing. When the founding pastor of the church that I served left, I was asked to fill the role of Senior Pastor. I was 28.  I took the job with the attitude: “I can probably do better than he did”.  I didn’t.

I was not as successful as Senior Pastor as I was as Youth Pastor at that church.  I was not happy with the results I was seeing, so I did what I had seen modeled for me my whole life—I worked harder and longer.  Not much changed in my ministry but a lot changed in my marriage.  I was neglecting my wife and my young daughter as I chased success.  It all came to a head when I chose an obligation over a family vacation.  All hell broke lose, quite literally.  My wife and I did not speak for three days.  We even used the “d” word.  That was a wake-up call.

I am happy to say that I spent the next seven years making some radical life changes, one of which was moving on from that church.  I realized that I could not develop a healthy marriage and family in that environment. Moving to Northbrook Church has been a game changer for my marriage (and for my health).  I am very thankful that I serve in a place that encourages staff members to prioritize healthy family life.

Pursue significance over success.

For a while, I thought I was going to become the next….”whoever.”  I would obsess over success, especially numbers.  I am ashamed to admit that success for me meant having a big church. To be fair, every conference I attended was at a large church, and all the speakers were pastors of large churches. I assumed that success in the ministry meant having a mega-church.  If I had a do-over, I would focus more on making a significant difference in the world and in the lives of people and less on how big the church was or how “cool” the facilities were.  I would spend much more time crafting sermons that were life-giving and creating environments that allowed for life transformation.

 Don’t worry so much about what people think. 

I am a people pleaser.  Sometimes that is good, other times it is really, really bad.  I hate to say “no” and I don’t like to disappoint people.  I want everyone to like me.  What I have discovered is that it is an impossible feat.  I have finally realized that I will never make everyone happy. I would challenge my younger self to give it your very best shot, love people, have compassion and go to sleep each night knowing that you did enough, regardless of what other people think.  One of my life verses is Micah 6:8 “Act justly, love kindness, and walk humbly with your God.” I am now more concerned about living that way that making everyone happy.

Have more fun and lighten up.

I have a very serious side.  Somewhere along the way, I thought “Christianity” was synonymous with “you have to be serious all the time”.  Sure, there are times to be serious, but not all the time. I would laugh at myself more, in fact, I would laugh more in general. My kids have done a great job at lightening me up, and I am very thankful.  One of the values I have in life now is “have fun”.  People seem so uptight and get so upset at the smallest, dumbest things. I have been given this one life to live, and I want to live it fully. I don’t want to grow old and walk in anger and bitterness.

Next week I will conclude this series with “What I am telling my forty-something self.”