A Note to My Younger Self (Part 3)

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and have a conversation with my younger self.  The last few weeks I have written the advice I would give to my younger self if I had the chance.  I want to end this series of posts by speaking to my 40 something self. Here are the things that I am telling myself today.

My kids need lots of attention….right now

My kids are 8 and 13.  It seems like just yesterday they were born.  I know it sounds cliché, but it’s true.  I don’t want to live with any regrets regarding my children.  I am not the perfect father, but I am a present father.  I spend lots of time with my kids.  A Washington Post article argued that the average father spends 7.2 hrs in quality time with their child per week.  That is up considerably from the sixties; however, that is not enough time to build a quality relationship. I have decided to make my kids a priority.  I go to all their games, meets and concerts, even if I have to skip a church meeting. I play basketball with them, sled with them, wrestle with them and read with them.  I will not sacrifice my children on the altar of success.  I would rather be less effective in my “career” and more effective raising my kids than the other way around.  I know way too many people who are bitter at dad because he was not present and put his job over them.  I am not willing to do that.

My daughter is a teenager, and she needs me now more than ever.  I want to model for her the way a man should properly treat women.  My son is eight and needs his dad to show him what it means to be a man.  My dad is my hero; I hope to be the same for my son.

My wife will always be more important than my ministry 

Several of my Pastor friends have gotten a divorce.  They are not bad people; they simply lost sight of what is important. This week another high-profile pastor was removed from ministry, one of the reasons, he admits,  he put success before his family . No judgment here, I came dangerously close to the same thing (see part 1 ).  I am not going there again.  My wife needs and deserves my time. I had to make some significant adjustments to my life. I say “no” more than I say “yes”. I usually eat dinner with my family six nights a week and am home by 5:30 most days.  I have made an intentional decision: I am walking out the door of my office at five on most days, and whatever I am working on will be there in the morning. I have chosen to serve my wife and love her “as Christ loves the church”.  It’s not always easy, and sometimes I don’t feel like it, but I put my wife (and my kids) as my first ministry.

 Not everyone will like me, and that’s ok 

I am a people pleaser; I want people to like me. I have worked very hard to make people like me, even doing things that were not always in my best interest to make others happy.  I have come to this stunning conclusion: not everyone will like me, not everyone will like what I do or how I live life, and that’s ok.  When I turned 40, I gave myself a gift. I decided I was going to stop trying to please everyone. I strive to be kind and loving. I work hard at living out one of my life verses from the Bible, Micah 6:8, “Act justly, love kindness and walk humbly with God”. Even so, some people will not like me, or believe what I believe, or hold the values that I hold…and that’s ok.  I am committed to becoming the best version of me. I will give life my very best shot, and when I lay my head on my pillow at night, I will sleep peacefully.

 Have fun 

During my college years, I got pretty serious. I did not know how to have fun. I was studying and preparing to be a pastor.  I thought that meant I had to be stoic and stern. I was seriously wrong. We are meant to enjoy this life. I have decided to have fun in all that I do. I have fun at my job with my staff, I have fun at home with my family, and I do things just for the sake of a good laugh. I have discovered my “goofy” side and I love it!

Growing older is a good thing 

When I was younger, I feared growing old. I went through a pre-mid-life crisis when I turned thirty. I was depressed for a week; I thought it was the death of my youth. Recently some grey hair has begun to poke through on my head. I turned forty a year and a half ago, and I am ok with it. I have learned a lot. I have matured in a healthy way, and I possess wisdom I did not have when I was twenty. I have enough life experience to gain respect from those I lead but am still young enough to have vigor. I am mature enough to realize I don’t know it all and I have a lot to learn.  I have decided to wear my grey with pride; I have no intention of coloring my hair. I’ve earned every one of those greys!