We’ve been parenting since the beginning of people. You would think we’d have it all figured out by now! But as each generation comes and goes, the times change and so do the rules. And each family has its own unique environment that they are shaping and that is shaping them. It gets real complicated real quick.

But there is one important thing that has remained the same all these years. Actions speak louder than words. God knew this, and that’s why when he was giving the Law to his people he put in instruction to help parents be better parents. Read what Moses passed on to the people of Israel.

⁶ These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. ⁷ Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

Deuteronomy 6:6-7

What was Moses telling a million and a half parents to do? What parenting advice did he give to this people, trudging through the desert on their way to a hopefully happy home? He told them to talk to their kids. This instruction is all about our words, isn’t it?

In one way, sure. This is Moses telling us the importance of passing down instruction to our kids. Making sure they know right from wrong through our words. Our children won’t know the truth unless they hear it from us, unless we impress it on their hearts. We need to speak these words to our kids, and repeat it often.

Our words are important. And it can’t just be a quick list of instructions, a story we rush through, or a command that ends with “Because I said so.” It has to be a topic of conversation. Spending time with our kids “when you walk along the road,” talking with them about these things.

But it has to be more than words, doesn’t it? Dig a bit deeper in that text. What did Moses say? “Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” Those are action words. Verbs. He’s saying, “Please talk about these things. But more than that, attach them to what you do.” It’s in our living them out that our kids know their importance.

Remember, Moses is talking about commandments. Commandments were always meant to be acted out, not just repeated for effect. Commandments are what you’re supposed to do, emphasis on “doing.” We pass down how we’re supposed to live, not by telling them but by showing our children.

This is one area that I know I’ve struggled with in the past. As much as I never wanted to say those four little words, there have been times when they’ve slipped out – “Because I said so.” But it’s always more influential and impactful to show our kids the right behavior rather than just tell them. When they see it in us, they’re more likely to repeat it themselves. And that gets to the heart of parenting. This isn’t about us, it’s about them. It’s not about how we can be served, but what we can do. It’s about creating an environment that reproducers believers who are trusting in God and walking with him. And that goal is worth all the hard work we put in as moms and dads.

How are your actions being repeated by your kids? What changes can you make today to produce better results?

This week we started a series on parenthood that I hope will be very helpful. But when it comes to such a big topic, there is no end to the advice you can find. So, we started off very simple with this overarching idea: The environment you create in your home contributes to who your children become.

When I think about creating environments, I think about my dad’s new hobby, raising saltwater fish. That’s not an easy thing to do. You can’t just fill a tank with water and expect them to thrive. Especially when the water coming out of your tap is not saltwater. At least it better not be.

So, you have to buy special products for your saltwater fish. First, you use products that take away harmful chemicals and algae. And then you use products to add things to the tank, like salt water and PH balance.

It’ the same with parenting. The environment you create will be determined by what you take out and what you put in. I want to expand just a bit on what we talked about this week and focus on those two things.

What do you take out?

What do you need to remove from the environment of your home to produce the right balance? I’m not going to give you a list of things to look for in your kids’ closet or bookshelf. I want this to be simple and practical.

First, I think you have to remove expectations. There is the ideal family we all want to be, or at least we would like to be. But expectations have a way of driving us crazy. It sets us up for failure if the goal is too high. So you have to balance the ideal with the real. And trust me, every family out there has some “realness” to it.

And that means you need to remove the comparison mentality. If you gauge your family’s wholeness by whether your vacation was better than someone else’s Instagram photos, then you’ve fallen into the comparison trap. Understand that your perception of what others are going through usually doesn’t match their reality.

Finally, you have to remove stubbornness. Accept that you can’t control the outcome. You can try really hard. You can point your kids in the right direction, teach them the right things, and provide the right atmosphere to experience God, but ultimately it’s up to them. Some kids that have the most loving, nurturing parents end up making poor decisions with devastating consequences. It’s up to you to create an environment, not control the outcome.

What do you put in?

Let me share with you four quick ingredients to put into your family. This isn’t comprehensive by any stretch, but I think it’s real helpful.

Space

You need to create space for your kids to be themselves and for you to be a real version of yourself. And when there’s space in a home, I think peace follows. Here’s how we said it on Sunday: Peace Trumps Frustration. Space lets you decompress before you get frustrated with each other.

Communication

I bet you’ve heard that before. In families, communication is key. It’s the basis for all relationships, and like we said this week: Relationship Trumps Experience. Get to know your kids. Instead of running from one event to the next, use opportunities – over dinner, before bed, first thing in the morning – to communicate clearly and often. Those long talks will be remembered long after the vacation photos, sports trophies, and memories fade.

Patience

Kind of a no-brainer, I know. Responding Trumps Reacting. That means we need to be patient with each other, allow each other to make mistakes, and be automatically forgiving. When we are patient, it gives us time to formulate a response instead of firing off our first reaction.

Time

Listening Trumps Dismissing. And I know I’m still working on this one. But listening can’t be done quick. It’s easy to speak in a dismissive way. That takes no time or thought at all. And it’s our default sometimes. It takes time to develop the skills of a good listener. And it’s time worth spending.

We’re just getting started, and I don’t know that we’ll get to the end of knowing everything there is to know about parenting. But I hope we’re off to the right start.

As I was preparing for this week’s message, I opened up my Bible and read the parable of the Pharisee and tax collector again (Luke 18:9-15). And again, when I got to the part where the Pharisee says, “Thank God I’m not like that tax collector,” I cringed. How could he act so arrogant? But when I got to the end and heard Jesus say that the tax collector was justified and the Pharisee wasn’t, I said, “Well, thank God I’m not like that Pharisee.”

And there it was. I fell into the trap without even realizing it. In trying to not be a Pharisee, I actually become one. On accident!

I think many of us do this. The problem with saying, “Thank God I’m not a Pharisee” is that we’re just as arrogant or prideful as he was. We compare our own rightness with someone else. Am I better? Yes? Great!

Larry Osborne calls us out in his book Accidental Pharisee:

“As you press forward in your faith, it’s inevitable that you begin to notice that some people lag behind. And it’s at this point that your personal pursuit of holiness can morph into something dangerous: a deepening sense of frustration with those who don’t share your passionate pursuit of holiness. Inevitably, being right will become more important than being kind, gracious, or loving.”

Being kind, gracious, and loving doesn’t stop with the tax collector. It includes loving the arrogant, the proud, the “I’m so awesome” crowd. The Pharisee. Being judgmental of judgmental people is still being judgmental.

When we are really transformed by God’s justification, we will live it out. When we receive grace, we should give it. And the more grace we get to cover up our sins, the more we should be willing to spread around, taking it by big handfuls and scattering as far as we can.

Refusing to be a Pharisee doesn’t mean we shift the focus of our righteous arrogance. It means we let go of it all together. This weekend, I gave you some practical steps to build a heart of humility. I want to give them to you one more time.

A Heart of Humility Takes an honest view of self

Do we see ourselves as we really are, or are we looking into a distorted mirror? James, the brother of Jesus, compared the scripture to a mirror that you can look intently into to find your own faults and failures. But if you turn from the mirror and make no changes, what good is it?

A Heart of Humility Admits Failure

How hard is it for you to admit you’re wrong? To say, “I’m sorry”? To agree with an opponent? True power is not in always being right, but in a willingness to change your mind when you are wrong.

A Heart of Humility Continually Fights Pride

None of us are immune to pride. In fact, as we grow closer to God and become more disciplined, the more easily we can judge those who aren’t. Part of maturity in Christ is the fight to keep those feelings in check.

A Heart of Humility Allows Differing Viewpoints to Sit Side-by-Side

This takes listening. Really listening. Again, James gives some great insights:

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

-James 1:19

What are you willing to do each day to be more like the tax collector and less like the Pharisee? How will you react the next time you encounter an opinion different than yours, a situation where you may be wrong, or a person that is ripe for judgment?