Help! I’m a Parent!

This week we started a series on parenthood that I hope will be very helpful. But when it comes to such a big topic, there is no end to the advice you can find. So, we started off very simple with this overarching idea: The environment you create in your home contributes to who your children become.

When I think about creating environments, I think about my dad’s new hobby, raising saltwater fish. That’s not an easy thing to do. You can’t just fill a tank with water and expect them to thrive. Especially when the water coming out of your tap is not saltwater. At least it better not be.

So, you have to buy special products for your saltwater fish. First, you use products that take away harmful chemicals and algae. And then you use products to add things to the tank, like salt water and PH balance.

It’ the same with parenting. The environment you create will be determined by what you take out and what you put in. I want to expand just a bit on what we talked about this week and focus on those two things.

What do you take out?

What do you need to remove from the environment of your home to produce the right balance? I’m not going to give you a list of things to look for in your kids’ closet or bookshelf. I want this to be simple and practical.

First, I think you have to remove expectations. There is the ideal family we all want to be, or at least we would like to be. But expectations have a way of driving us crazy. It sets us up for failure if the goal is too high. So you have to balance the ideal with the real. And trust me, every family out there has some “realness” to it.

And that means you need to remove the comparison mentality. If you gauge your family’s wholeness by whether your vacation was better than someone else’s Instagram photos, then you’ve fallen into the comparison trap. Understand that your perception of what others are going through usually doesn’t match their reality.

Finally, you have to remove stubbornness. Accept that you can’t control the outcome. You can try really hard. You can point your kids in the right direction, teach them the right things, and provide the right atmosphere to experience God, but ultimately it’s up to them. Some kids that have the most loving, nurturing parents end up making poor decisions with devastating consequences. It’s up to you to create an environment, not control the outcome.

What do you put in?

Let me share with you four quick ingredients to put into your family. This isn’t comprehensive by any stretch, but I think it’s real helpful.

Space

You need to create space for your kids to be themselves and for you to be a real version of yourself. And when there’s space in a home, I think peace follows. Here’s how we said it on Sunday: Peace Trumps Frustration. Space lets you decompress before you get frustrated with each other.

Communication

I bet you’ve heard that before. In families, communication is key. It’s the basis for all relationships, and like we said this week: Relationship Trumps Experience. Get to know your kids. Instead of running from one event to the next, use opportunities – over dinner, before bed, first thing in the morning – to communicate clearly and often. Those long talks will be remembered long after the vacation photos, sports trophies, and memories fade.

Patience

Kind of a no-brainer, I know. Responding Trumps Reacting. That means we need to be patient with each other, allow each other to make mistakes, and be automatically forgiving. When we are patient, it gives us time to formulate a response instead of firing off our first reaction.

Time

Listening Trumps Dismissing. And I know I’m still working on this one. But listening can’t be done quick. It’s easy to speak in a dismissive way. That takes no time or thought at all. And it’s our default sometimes. It takes time to develop the skills of a good listener. And it’s time worth spending.

We’re just getting started, and I don’t know that we’ll get to the end of knowing everything there is to know about parenting. But I hope we’re off to the right start.