I hope you’ve been practicing some civil conversations the last three weeks. I know I have, but it’s been tough. But I’ve learned a lot. And I don’t want to stop! I want to keep going.
Jesus warned us against words that were empty. I think the best way to accomplish that is make sure our words are full. But full of what? I’m sure you know some people that you’d say their words are full of hot air. Or maybe full of something else. But that’s really just another way to say empty.
What our words need to be full of is grace. That need to be graceful.
Colossians 4:6
6 Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.
Let me give you some very practical ways to make sure those conversations are civil, your words are seasoned with salt, and your mouth is full of grace. I think we all know how to say empty words – words that are thoughtless, are condescending or arrogant, words that tear down rather than build up. But to speak words full of grace takes time, patience, listening, and thinking.
So here are a few thoughtless words. Instead of saying this…why not try this? And maybe these examples can help you think of other words in your own life you’d like to kick.
Instead of, “I can’t believe you did that!”
Say, “Can you help me understand your intention?”
Okay, I’ll be honest. This one is mostly for parents. How many times have you hurled off that line? I know I have – maybe even this week! While we may be trying to help teach our kids, those words can often just heap up shame. We make them feel less than, unloved, or uncared for. But thinking it through will open up a conversation where both of you can learn and grow.
Instead of, “I’m not listening to you anymore!”
Say, “Until there are some changes, I’m not sure we should continue this.”
There may be times when conversation and communication is impossible. We can either shut down – a passive aggressive move – or shove back – a more up front. Neither of those is great. Instead, calmly explain that you’re disengaging from the conversation because you can’t see eye-to-eye. It doesn’t mean you’re not friends, you don’t like each other, or that you’re unforgivingly mad. It’s just that you know your limits and you’re trying to stay inside of them.
Instead of, “How many times have I told you?”
Say, “Can you explain why this keeps happening?”
Well, here’s another one we use on our kids. But actually, I’m sure some of us have used this against a spouse too. It’s a way to letting them know we’re frustrated because they didn’t follow orders. But maybe there’s something else going on. How can we help each other get what we both want? That’s what graceful conversation creates.
Instead of, “You never do that…you always do this…”
Say, “I feel like this keeps happening…isn’t happening enough…”
“Never” and “always” are conversation killers. Once one of us pulls one of those out, all communication is lost. Why? Because nothing is “never” or “always.” That’s just too constricting. “You never put the dishes away!” “Oh yes I do, because I did it once back in 1999.” “We always watch what you want to watch!” “Don’t you remember when I let you see the Friends finale?” You see. These phrases backfire. Instead, try talking out your feelings some more so that the other person really knows where you’re coming from instead of putting them on the defense.
What are some of the conversation killers you’ve used in the past? Where has your communication with your spouse, your kids, your boss, your sister or brother broken down? How can you get it repaired?
Empty words mean they’re ready to be filled. Why not fill them with grace? Find a way to stuff more and more of it in every conversation you have.
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