A Marriage that Works

“With.” There’s a lot of power in that word. It speaks to the desire we have to relate to another person. To connect deeply on a deep level.

I believe we all have the want to be “with” other people. Even introverts love to be with others. They may express it differently than extroverts. But no matter what, the word “with” holds power.

Perhaps the most important “with” is marriage. Relationships are hard work. They can be tough. They’re not always clean. They’re not always even or equal. It takes time and attention to make “with” work. And marriage is no exception.

God’s intent for marriage is that it is a life giving partnership. And yet for so many it is a struggle and a relationship of deep pain.

The problem is that many have bought into the notion that marriages are based on love, and love should be easy. It feels great. We all want it. Why isn’t it just simple?

Because being in love and staying in love are two separate things. But the relationship of marriage is so important that it’s worth the effort.

If you are in a good marriage that you want to be great, or a bad marriage that you want to be good, or a broken marriage that you want to mend, you are looking for answers. You are looking for some guidance. And since the Bible says a lot about marriages, why not go there looking for those answers? It’s a great start.

But the Bible is not a place to just find the answers and plug them in. The scriptures are less about information and more about formation. That’s why passages like the one we looked at this week, Ephesians 5:21-33, are so difficult. They don’t give us a neat and tidy answer. Instead, they force us to go within ourselves in search of solutions.

We live in an information saturated culture. We think if we can just get the right information – If I can just read the right book, get the best technique or program that life will be good. We bring this to our marriage and think we can crack the code. Instead, our concentration gets cracked and our marriage remains un-mended.

What are some of those things we search for, the information we think will fix us? Frist of all, I believe people are looking for rules. They want to know the 1, 2, 3 of a successful marriage. What time do I get up? How do I avoid a fight? What do I say to spouse to fix the problem?

The problem with rules is that as soon as you start following them, you fall into an exception. Every rule has an exception. There is always a “Yeah, but…” attached to a relationship. No real relationship will follow the order of your rules. Instead, you’ll always find the exception. So, we need to lean into the exceptions and let our relationship breath with life.

Another way we seek answers is through labels. The passage in Ephesians 5 is a great example. There are people who line up on either side of the coin and call themselves either “Complementarians” or “Egalitarians.” Complementarians see the roles of husband and wife as gender-specific yet complementary to each other. Egalitarians see it more interchangeable, with decisions being made together.

But labels fail when we try to use them to encompass the greatness of a marriage relationship. You may read the examples of each label and think, “Yeah, that’s not us. That wouldn’t fly in my marriage.” And that’s fine. Because love always abounds labels.

The answer – or at least one answer – is not found in rules or labels or to-do lists or talk-it-outs. It’s found in the core idea of “mutual submission.” Another way to say it is “self-giving.” I give up my self in order to put my wife ahead of me. And she does the same.

Self-giving means putting the other person first and seeking their welfare above one’s own. What is clear from the scripture is that a marriage thrives when both partners commit to giving of themselves to the other. How are we doing that? Putting action to the feeling of love is the key. 

Self-Giving begins with Christ, not your spouse. It’s actually the heart of the Gospel. You don’t submit to one another out of reverence for one another, but out of reverence for Christ. When Christ is the center of your life – individually – then self-giving is the fuel of your marriage together. It only makes sense that two people give to each other when you consider it through the story of Jesus. When you see the God of the universe lay down his own life, then you begin to understand how we are to follow that example into marriage.

And this self-giving, it’s not just for marriage. Over the next few weeks we’ll look at some other examples of “with” that drive our church, our community, our world. But it begins with putting others ahead of ourselves in love.