Who is your favorite?

We have bought into a cultural idea that this type of person is worth more than that one. We pay more attention, give more affection, and spend more time with people we think are more important. It’s not that we can’t have friends. Of course we can! But when we show favoritism based on things like the color of someone’s skin, the balance in their bank account, or the side of the tracks they’re from, there’s something wrong. When we show favoritism, James warns us, we degrade the value of the other person’s soul.

Favoritism and discrimination are inconsistent with our faith. That’s the bottom line. This Sunday we talked about and applied that to how we serve, when we serve, and who we serve. But it goes deeper than that. The fingers of favoritism can reach into our day-to-day lives as well.

And one place that happens, sometimes without us even realizing it, is with our family.

Do you play favorites? Do you prefer one kid over another? Do you show partiality to your son but hardly pay attention to your daughter? Don’t answer too quickly.

I’ve been reading up on favoritism and partiality while preparing for this message. One thing that I never really thought about when it comes to this passage, but really kicked my tail, was how our kids respond when they even think that there’s a favorite in the house – and it’s not them.

Kids who feel like their parents prefer their sibling over them tend to behave worse, get in trouble more, start drinking at an earlier age, smoke cigarettes, try marijuana, and even more into harder drugs. It’s true! It’s hard to comprehend how such a minor thing like picking favorites can be so detrimental, but is it worth risking?

Maybe you don’t think you’re picking favorites. But really think about it. Do you rarely show up for your youngest’s swim meets when you all piled into the car for every one of your oldest’s ball games? Do you spend more time with one child over another? Are you unconsciously telling them that you love one more than the other?

One thing to keep in mind is the words you use. Avoid saying things like, “I wish you would act more like your sister,” “We never had this problem with your brother,” or “I don’t think you should do that, because your sister never did.”

Your kids will be picking up the cues. So you need to be aware of them too. Here’s what Gregory Jantz, a research psychologist, says about it. “Children are not stupid. They can sense when this type of inequity exists. They can sense it even when the parent does not. Desperately they attempt to figure out what is wrong with them. The reasons they come up with can cause lifelong damage to self-esteem.”

But there is good news. Because when your family is close-knit, full of unconditional love, looking out for each other, no matter what mistakes you make when it comes to playing favorites, your kids pick up on the good things over the bad. The key is to have a good relationship with your kids, asking them for forgiveness when you mess up, and not coming down too hard on them when they do the same.